So I waited for a couple of weeks to hear from the neurosurgeon to whom my neurologist referred me. My sister kept saying, call them, call them. I said, that I though no news meant I was uninteresting and thus good news.
I finally called my neurologists's office and found that there had been "glitch" and my referral hadn't actually been sent yet. Okay this happens. But this is also the office that forgot to send me my test results and forgot to tel me about tests that were scheduled and I therefore missed. I'm thinking . . . .. . hmmmmmmm. Weak link there.
So yeah. Maybe that's why I keep getting more and more unpleasant as the day goes on.
It's just that my friends Helen, and Edith., from a previous life (yes that would be Helen, Edith, and Phyllis) and I had already sort of planned that when we lost it, we'd have adjoining rooms in a nursing home. I mean, surely our names are already on the doors somewhere. We even had our roles planed out. Helen, who is about 6'1" was going to be the one who ripped off her clothes in the middle of the mall during outings. I was going to be the one who terrorized the young orderlies, pinching their behinds. I can't remember exactly what Edith was going to do, but as I recall it has something to do with breaking into the med room and making some interesting switcheroos. But unless Edith gets onto her assigned task soon, I'm going to be the one who gets kicked out for being a pain in everyone's behind.
It's not nice at all to have forgotten really important things. Not only things like what one should do first in the shower, or where the flatware is kept, but really precious things such as the first time I help Bump, and my mother's surprise 85th (I think it was) birthday party. What do you think memories such as those are worth? The more I think about it the angrier I get. Sometimes life presents some suckwad crap to each of us.
But mostly I think it life has presented me with rope swings under blooming lilac trees, offices in cherry trees from which we could spit the pits at the inhibitors of other cherry tree offices. It's presented me with excellent music, amazing love, creme brûlée that made my eyes roll back in my head. I've held triplet lambs, trying to feed them all with two bottles and a finger, and I've reached under the surreal warmth and softness of a hen to collect uber fresh eggs.
I've experienced the miracle of feeding my babies with milk made especially for them by my body - the very body that somehow grew those babies inside of it. Think about that! It will blow your mind.
If it pleases you, Mother of All, I would so very much like to hold on to those and a zillion other memories of miracles you've given me. Fireflies with aspirations of becoming stars. Books that have take me to other lives and other worlds, the love of my babies and my babies' babies.
If it can't be, it can't be. I'll trust you you to know best what lessons I still have to learn. But oh, it's been so good. So amazing. Who could complain if this is all there is? Please forgive my greed for wanting even more in a world were I've had so many times more than my share of bliss. And please, Mother, help my friends understand that iI am fearless in the face of death. It's just another door. But to stay here and forget all your gifts. . . Oh, that would be so very sad.
I trust you. And I am grateful and I know that it is arrogant of me to ask anything of One who has provided everything. But I am not wise yet. I ask for patience and continued Grace.
Let it be. Amen. I am grateful.
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