Need

I was told by a lifelong friend today that I am needy.  Too needy.  In so many words she told me that I'd forgotten what it's like to be part of the real world, since I no longer work full time.  I no longer have to be nice and polite all the time.  She doesn't have the time nor energy to spend nurturing our friendship.  The strange thing - well the strange thing to me anyway - about this all is that I know she's right.

Since the diagnoses and the aging and the deaths and all the changes in the past year, I have felt an urgency - a need - to make things right with family and friends.  This transaction with my friend reminded me that perhaps that is not the need of my family and friends.  Maybe they are just fine with letting me go as things are.

Could it be that I am not actually the center of the Universe?

Of course, I've realized this before, probably even written about it, but you see I forget.  I forget all sorts of things.  I relearn lessons daily.  Sometimes hourly.  It's not unique to me.  It's unique, I think, to people who are willing to relearn.

So I step back and I look at my wants, behaviors, communications with as little ego involvement as possible and I realize that I'm okay with my neediness.  Actually it's more wantiness, I guess.  I would like to leave everyone I love on a good note.  A good, pure, perfect chord.  All I can actually do is sing my note.  I can't force anyone to chime in.

Oy, enough of the music analogies already.  And  you see, I realize that if my ego were totally out of it, I wouldn't care.  And I have been told that releasing my ego should be a goal.  I guess this all means that I'm not totally enlightened.  I'll just have to add that to a few other interesting imperfections.

Because you see, I'm not going to stop trying to make things right with people.  Oh, I'll stop nagging people who tell me they haven't the energy to spend on our friendship.  Unless I forget they told me to stop.  But my friendship and my love remain.  So sue me.

I'm grateful for the friendly and family times I've had.  That's all.  I'm just imperfect and grateful.