Threads to the Life Raft

Grief is a bitch.

The loss of a parent is very difficult, no matter how old, or how sick or how expected the death, it's just hard.

Mom's first of two memorial services will be day after tomorrow in the town where she spent her last 15 years.  I'll know a couple of her friends from there.  There will be a few family members there besides my sister and her husband.  Most of the family will attend the graveside service in Illinois in April.  Oh yeah. . . . we get to do this all again.

It's been a long flippin' six days since Mom died. I've heard from several friends via the magical interweb, stating that they are sorry for my loss, etc.  I appreciate those messages, I really do.  I've one friend at home, whom I sure would stand on one ear to help me if she thought it would do any good.  And I heard from a friend I've had since age two over the past few days and she face-timed with me today.  My college roommate, who is like family, was supportive right away.  And of course, I have my sister and my kids, who are the center pole of this whole tent.  That is amazing. I'm blessed by those people who are like warm blankets in a snow storm.

I'm also grieving, however, because  I've come to realize that some of the friendships I thought I could count on - lean on - are not all that substantial.  I suppose I have imagined relationships that aren't there and it's taken this to get it through my thick head.  Today I've often felt as if I were drowning and a couple of friends who happened to be sailing by anyway tossed me three feet of thread and sailed on.

The loss of the illusion of friendship is also very difficult.  In fact, it sucks.  I feel stupid as well as alone.  What do I want?  What do I need?  Perhaps too much.  I may expect too many warm blankets.   To expect people to have time to talk to me when I'm blubbering and not making any sense may just be too much expectation.  I know well, how uncomfortable it is to be around people who are grieving.  It can be flat out exhausting.  I know.  I did it professionally.

And I have learned from this experience.  I won't change my behavior toward friends who are grieving.  I will be supportive.  I will be willing to stay awake and listen.  I will listen even when they are making no sense.  I won't assume that because they have other, more important, or closer friends they don't need me.  I will remember that grief doesn't last X number of days and is then over.

I want to grow to give more and expect less, and in that way be at peace.

(I also want to punch someone - doesn't really matter whom- right in the face sometimes.  But I'm pretty sure that is not going to happen.   I'm just saying)