Energy Crisis

I am letting people down.  It seems everyone wants something from me and I want to give it all to them, but I just forking can't.

I'm sick of feeling sick.  I'm always tired and confused and I don't like it.  I am going to have to prioritize a bit better if I'm going to . . . going to what?  What's the goal here?  Is it just to keep putting one huge flat foot in front of the other?  That's not good enough by a long shot.

I want to produce.  I need to keep writing as long as I can and each one of these little posts takes so damned much.  I want to spend time with my babies, just looking at them, breathing them in, sharing jokes.  Bump is beginning to understand puns.  How miraculous is that?  Bell has her environment in hand.  It makes me happy to see how well she does her two-year old job.

I want to be relaxed with my relaxed children.  Those two share a gene pool, grew up in the same house with the same parents, and I really don't see many ways they could be more different.  Each of them perfect.  I need them to be happy.  I need to know they forgive me for not giving them absolutely everything they deserved.  I need to not let them down.

There are friendships I would loved to have rekindled and it's sad to know that it won't happen.  It takes two, and it takes energy.  I'm happy with communicating electronically with those who have the desire and energy.  I've reached out to a bunch.  Some don't have the desire, and others want more of me than I can give.

I wish I could be a better wife.  James isn't big on allowing me to help him, even with his broken ankle.  But I can see frustration in his face because things aren't getting done to his liking.  And what happens as I continue to become less help and more burden? How is that fair? How is that going to work?

The world is a mess and my little problems don't amount to enough beans to fill my nose.  I know that. And I have to remember that I just got my gluteus maximus shot full of steroids today trying to make breathing easier and those nasties always tend to make me a bit wicked.   It's entirely possible that tomorrow will actually be a new day and I'll be new, also.

In the mean time, in place of cheer, I offer honesty.  And at the bottom of it all, I am still grateful.