Decisions and Drawing the Line

     Since my neurosurgeon's office called and said that his health care system no longer accepted my insurance, there will be no follow up to my aneurisms from his office.  The end.
     I assume that my regular neurologist will still accept me and perhaps he will scan my brain for signs of any growth in the balloons and then perhaps find a surgeon for me, but I'm hesitant to do even that.  I'll keep going to the neurologist because he is treating this memory loss/brain fade of mine with some drugs.  Sometimes I think they are working.  Sometimes I think the diagnosis was wrong all along and that I'm totally normal for a lady of a certain age, and then I forget where I am and how to get out of my bedroom, and that's a wee bit disconcerting.  I maintain that there could be other reasons for such things to happen and that they are much less scary than progressive dementia.
     So I've decided to take matters a bit into my own hands.   I've been reading up on some natural treatments - alternative treatments - and what the heck.  I doubt they'll kill me.  Yes, I'm experimenting with myself.  Better I experiment than some stranger who really doesn't appreciate just how totally cool my brain actually is.
     I don't care to qualify nastiness of various illnesses, but if I had cancer, I'd have an automatic support group around me.  I hate cancer, too.  It sucks.  But when you tell people that you have some sort of dementia, they get scared or confused or just grossed out.  My credibility goes from 92 to 3 in the course of a few words.  And every little stumble is suspect.  This is the reality of it.
     So I'm packing things in. I still need to do some traveling, but for the most part, I've contacted all the people in my life with whom I felt the need to make amends.  Most have not responded at all.  A few have responded negatively, accusing me of all sorts of ill behavior.  And while I used to say things such as "I don't care about that, I've done my best, "  Now I actually mean it.
    I've little time or energy for people who do not keep their promises.  Friends who disappear, and the emotional vampires who seem to suck the libido (oh, look it up, it's not just about sex) right out of me.  Am I pissy?  Probably, but I'm honestly pissy.
    I'm determined that kindness be my default, but I'm also becoming determined to no longer bruise my head against brick walls.  If you haven't spoken to me in a while, there is a thing called telephone and it works both ways.  There's also the marvelous inter web, etc.
     I find it so very sad that so many who've said they'll always "be there for me" have begun training for Olympic track events by running in the opposite direction, and while I continue to wish them well, I'm not likely to stand in the rain cheering for them.  Maybe that's unkind of me, or maybe it's self preservation.
    My heart aches, AND I know I'll be okay.  I am so very enough.  There are still people in this world who respect me and actually care for  me, though I'm realizing that no one is going to "always be there for me" when I need little things.  Perhaps that it a silly statement.  No one can always be there for anyone else.  I suppose the closest would be the sort of marriage I've seen a handful of times.
     My sister and her husband, for example.  Faerie tale.  Not that their lives have been without pain or obstacles.  They've had at least their share, but they are the kind of couple, that when you see them, you only see the good, the joy, the bliss.  It's exceedingly rare.  I have a grand imagination and I can't imagine how that must feel.  I'm not an easy person with whom to live in the least and I have so very many (do you mind if we call them quirks or eccentricities rather than neuroses?) that I often can nearly not live with myself.
     But I've got a mess of good traits, too.  I've been loyal to my friends.  I try to be kind to people, other animals, and all of Earth.  I actually do care about such things.  I think, I'm well worth loving.  You may differ if you wish, we all have the right to differ.
    Our health care un-system and mega insurance companies can line up to kiss my fine, round, pale behind.  One would think that they are made up of actual human beings, but one might be wrong in that assumption.
    In spite of the nastiness, terrifying fog that has befallen not only me, but all of Earth, I reserve the right to be optimistic, take chances, have adventures and love myself.  I love you, too - if you are a real person or an animal or some identifiable part of Nature - if you are a big corporate machine. . . . well, the best I can say is "fuck off."
   I remain grateful.